


Consequentialism

by joouheika



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, M/M, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7715944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joouheika/pseuds/joouheika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi knows it's the lowest level of hell for him. [post chapter 84] MAJOR SPOILERS</p>
            </blockquote>





	Consequentialism

The world still turning, not destroyed- they sit upon the bed together.

A moment’s rest.

Water drips over the surface of the nearby nightstand from the condensation of the melting bag of ice; that Eren has set aside. Already trying to apologise about the mess it’s causing and clean it up, not understanding that that is not the reason to the Captain’s sour mood. Levi orders Eren to keep still.

Eren does.

Levi touches lightly, but not lightly enough to the swelling that’s still going down on Eren’s cheek. Eren’s regeneration powers lacking at the moment, from all the energy that was expended during the operation.

Some of his teeth have grown back, more than just one lost like in the courtroom.

Levi had told himself never again would he hurt Eren like this even if a situation arose just as dire, remembering how long it took to get Eren to no longer shy away from his touch since then but-

“I’m sorry. Eren.”

Really Levi has not a right to touch him now and yet here he is trying to make amends again. Trying to explain and rectify his actions, but like always-

Eren excuses him with no hesitation.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. You were doing what you thought was right. Just like I was. Rather than a pretense that had to be upheld you were trying to support all of us. You’ve been by the Commander’s side a long time. Just as long as I’ve been by Armin’s. It’s understandable what you did.”

There’s a little slur, when it’s hard to talk because of the swelling and Levi considers asking Eren to hit him. When he does ask-

“You’ve got quite a bruise yourself on the back of your head from when Mikasa attacked you don’t you sir?”

Eren gingerly cups the back of Levi’s head to feel it. Levi not flinching like Eren had when he’d touched him, only his brow furrowing unsatisfactorily that Eren won’t fight fire with fire when it comes to him.

“See,” Eren says, as if that is enough. It is not. 

“…do you hate me Eren?”

Eren stares at Levi’s face, expression every bit shocked that he is being asked this, as if he thought he’d never be asked something like this more than once. Levi scowls when Eren won’t allow him to dread on the matter a second longer even though it’s an eternity and the life after this that he deserves to.

“What are you saying sir! I could never! Captain Levi! Excuse me sir, but I won’t hear another word on the matter. You said it before, we all must make the choice we regret least. And you were acting upon that thought were you not?”

Eren had said he’d not hear another word but, suddenly contemplating, wanting-

Eren continues.

“May I ask you one thing?”

The real reason Eren could forgive him.

“Giving Armin the serum… do you… regret it?”

Levi recalls, barely a day before, the words he must still keep to Erwin, ‘I will take down the Beast Titan’ in exchange for the words Erwin kept to him. That dream Erwin had that he cast aside for the sake of redemption, for the chance of victory, to know for certain with his own eyes an answer. A demon they called him, but in the end Commander Erwin Smith died as he lived, a man seeking the truth, a scholar, a student.

Wanting only to learn, to know.

Much like Armin.

Who held a dream before Eren’s eyes and alit not that flame within them that Levi has been burnt by, enraptured by, driven by. But when ashes to dust, and the smoke has cleared, it will not be destruction before his dazzling gaze but light. Hopeful for the future, a true beginning in a world where they are free. That warmth that is the feel of Eren’s hands cradling the back of his head as Eren draws closer to him, undeterred like when they’d first met, when it’d all been new, when they’d barely begun. Is the warmth in his eyes presently as he tries to reassure Captain Levi that what he did before he made his decision, did not matter in the face of the fact of what was done in the end.

‘The end justifies the means’, this attitude reminds Levi of Erwin and following upon that; Erwin and Eren remind him again of another likeliness they share. Childishness. Wanting a dream. Seeing a dream. Throwing themselves upon it. Struggling with everything to have it. Sticking by it even when it’s unlikely to keep. Ready to scream and cry and give up everything for just one thing. A man of his word Eren has called Captain Levi, but for all the lies Erwin had said for the sake of using that means, in comparison the commander has him beat.

Even so, Levi answers with his word. Blatantly honest, what he thought before bearing no weight to what he thinks as he speaks to Eren-

“I did what had to be done.”

Eren draws closer to him, sitting upon his lap. Levi draws his hands over Eren’s waist, looking over Eren’s thoughtful face, that swollen cheek. His grip tightening as they move down over Eren’s hips.

Levi knows.

Without Armin, that dream Armin showed Eren would be tarnished. A promise Eren cannot uphold when together is no longer together. Eren who just like Erwin would want to keep to what was promised, that which he says to those he truly values and relies on what matters the most- an inability to action, it would have destroyed him. Another body to the mound Levi is familiar with as well. Levi remembers how many flowers Eren picked so he could lay them on often empty graves. Levi’s touch too rough then too when he’d dragged Eren from the fields to wash his hands, Eren crying, not from Levi scrubbing too hard but because even when they’d done all they could, the result had still been this.

To see the light fade from Eren’s eyes, just as the light has faded from Commander Erwin’s is an idea too unbearable.

They must live, so Levi has always chosen what he thought will give them the higher rate of success. He had believed, had he saved Commander Erwin the fate of humanity would remain secure. But that fate- that dream, Erwin held it no more. And what right did Levi have, after so many years of trusting in Erwin’s judgement, to discard it just then? What right did he have to make Erwin take back the dream Levi had already told him to throw aside? How could he, as Captain, disobey his Commander’s final orders? When Erwin had decided to dedicate himself to this operation, to entrust his cast away but long dreamt dream to these children who saw something, not just only reaching as Erwin had- but grasping. Entrusting to these soldiers just like he had the serum to Levi. That they will go on when he cannot. Will not. The light in Erwin’s eyes Levi had seen as he thanked him had not been the bright, liven blue that’d sparkled within Armin’s hopeful gaze. A conviction Levi has desired to be seen within Eren’s eyes always, barely catching snatches of it when Levi tells him he will. Knowing by his words alone that Eren will be uplifted, strong. Armin understands this too.

You must be strong to survive.

Levi is aware of this. 

Eren is.

They all.

Humanity’s Hope once saved and coveted by the flame, the light, and the hope of the Survey’s Corps. The symbol Erwin made of Eren to the masses, he was the symbol of such to them of the Survey Corps. Hanji had mentioned to him, when Levi had been new, when budgeting ran dry from lack of investors, lack of faith. By everything necessary and with only the brilliance he had carried as a mastermind of masterminds, had Erwin dragged them out from one level of hell to another. 

What level of hell is Erwin in now? Levi thinks, wondering how the Commander will drag himself out from there and if all their comrades who’ve fallen before them will help him once more. Levi wonders further, when he dies, what level of hell will he end up on?

Eren answers this thought though Levi had made no mention of it aloud.

Eren smiling gently at him, grateful to him like he always is- like he shouldn’t be-

While Levi can compare Erwin to Eren and Eren to Erwin on how they see things, want things, Levi is like Erwin in this regard- he is a selfish man.

He does not pull away as Eren embraces him, comforts him, and Levi is relieved that instead of trembling and shying away from him like Eren had before, his Eren, understanding but believing in a manner Levi can only admire, covet, dedicate himself to supporting- as a man who doesn’t know until after all is said and all is done. Eren, hasn’t forgiven him because he felt there was nothing to be forgiven in the first place.

As Levi clutches Eren to him, unwilling to part from him despite what he’d done so long as Eren reaches for him, wants him. Levi knows it plainly, whatever level of hell Erwin is on- Levi will end up scores behind it.

Without fail, Levi thinks, as Eren says to him- bestowing upon him, that which Kenny had told him he’d have to make up his mind about.

“Let’s go sir. Before we go meet the Commander and all the others, let us go see the answer for ourselves.”

What is in the basement.

The truth.

The real walls that entrap this world and bar them from the world that waits for them.

What Erwin had wanted to see, on his behalf, they will- _they can_ -

“After that… Captain Levi! Please! Come with us to see the ocean when the time comes.”

Eren’s hand had brushed against his and so Levi had taken it.

Exhausted from fighting all those titans, the conflict, the lives lost; when Mikasa had placed her blade to his throat had he been weak from fatigue or the brimming of Eren’s tears he saw inevitably as he had known he would when he heard of the sea? Eren struggling, fighting for his voice not to crack as he told Captain Levi what Armin envisioned for all of them.

Levi had asked the Commander.

What did Erwin see?

But they have grown old, for the Commander could not tell him.

The end Erwin could not see, Armin had with clarity.

That was why, when the tip of the needle had been bright like Eren’s tears- Levi had moved slowly. Pained and guilty. Doubtfully. That conviction he always wanted Eren to have, he had not a right to make mention of as he tried to inject Erwin with the serum. Startled almost when Erwin had held up his hand. Deflecting him. Erwin who had spent his life with questions unanswered, always wanting to know more, would finally have at least one answer that’d satisfy him.

An answer they all will know.

The time that Levi had known they’d been short on, had come for their Commander, Erwin Smith.

And to them, with what time they have left- Levi decides-

“Alright, Eren.”

Levi holds Eren to him, Eren bending down towards him for a kiss Levi can’t refuse him. Cupping against the palm of his hand, Eren’s sensitive cheek. Eren’s tongue sliding against his as Eren draws his arms tighter about Levi’s shoulders. Eren’s fingers in his hair, nudging at the bruise Levi doesn’t mind is throbbing as he mulls over Eren’s face, the teeth that are missing he counts again as he runs his tongue over the teeth that are still there.

Parting their mouths from the other’s.

When Eren smiles at Levi, Levi asks again for Eren to hit him as he sees the gaps he’d just felt.

Instead Eren presses his brow against Levi’s and closes his eyes.

Laughing, he tells him, before drawing back to look at him- “Sir, if you keep insisting, I will ask Mikasa to do it on my behalf. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Levi is quiet, knowing his teeth won’t grow back.

“Got it. Ask her Eren.”

Eren is startled his suggestion he has no intention of following through with has been taken rather seriously.

“No way sir! It was a joke! Perhaps… you are not thinking clearly because you have to take a dump?”

Levi pinches at Eren’s uninjured cheek before kissing it, the other and almost hesitatingly like he ought not be allowed, Eren’s lips.

Eren kisses him back to tell him it will never be like that.

\--

It turns out that Eren need not ask Mikasa on Levi’s behalf, her fist hurtles towards his face the moment they’re in the same space together. It not connecting with Armin latching onto her arm, pulling her back, using all of his weight to anchor her. Eren relieved and scolding. Mikasa’s anger deterred as both Armin and Eren get after her, her refusing to be guilty. She’s a twinge sheepish despite that, happy beneath everything else.

Armin sweating but also starting to smile as Eren comes to help him hold Mikasa back. Eren placing his whole body between Mikasa and Levi. When Armin smiles so does Eren.

Levi is looking at Eren.

When Mikasa sees Levi looking at Eren-

Levi has to admit, as her punch finally connects to his face-

She probably would have had less trouble handling those titans than he did.


End file.
